A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'd. ...like....A ....gin and....tonic." And the bartender says "Why the long pause (paws)?" The polar bear says "I was born with them."

The Packers and the Vikings had an ice fishing tournament. The first day the Packers caught 100 fish and the Vikings didn't catch any. The second day the Packers caught 200 fish and the Vikings didn't catch any. The third day the Vikings were getting worried so they dressed Teddy Bridgewater up like a Packer and sent him with the Pack to see why they were catching so many fish and the Vikings couldn't catch any. That day the Cheeseheads caught 300 fish and the Vikes caught none. They asked what the deal Teddy, are they cheating or what's going on? Teddy said you bet they are, they are drilling holes in the ice!

How can you distinguish a home remodeling contractor from a common criminal? Criminals are more likely to return to the scene of a crime.

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges, and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his co-workers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get into the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."

After agonizing for decades, a man decided to pray to God. Kneeling down beside his bed he said "Dear Lord, you must know how much I have always wanted to sing and dance, but I have no pitch or rhythm. Were I so blessed I would gladly trade my pleasing personality and my good looks". After a pause, a sympathetic voice said "My son, if it ever saw the water that ship has sailed,"

A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician's office for a checkup. "Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad, and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added, "By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?"